Hitchhickers Guide to Bleach
by Chiirei.Fukonou
Summary: Ever wonder what it would be like to have a guide tell you what you need to know instead of a short girl yelling at you the whole time? Ichigo is going to have that pleasure as I rewrite bleach from start to finish! Rated T for language and other reasons!
1. Opener

I was having such a wonderful day yestetrday, reading such hilarious Fan Fics in the game section (Final Fantasy X) when I came across one that had me start thinking... Something was mentiond about the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy... Why can't there be one for Bleach?

Ichigo: You have go to be kidding... Excuse me while I go kill myself...

Haha, sorry Ichi! Your life is about to become a whole lot more intesting than it was when you first met Rukia... We are going all the way back to the start of Bleach, before Ichigo was a Substitue Shinigami, before Chad and Orihime found their powers, before Aizen was a total asshole! Don't worry, I'll try not to ruin this amazing series for you... Just make you look at it from a compleatly different angle!

Now, if you have ever read the book or watched the move for Hitchhickers Guid to the Galaxy, then you would know that this should be very interesting and maybe even make you laugh your tiny (or big) ass off! This is going to be the whole plot setter and getting thing out of the way and getting information cramed into your tiny brains before we get started on chapter one. This is going to be a very looooooong chapter story so be prepared for many chapters to come...

Rukia: Please tell me you didn't have sugar this morning...

... I plead the fifth...

Rukia: ... I'm right behind you Ichigo!

Wait! I need you guys to help me explain this to all those unsuspecting readers out there who don't know that I'm tracking their computers and taking their files to use against them later!

... You didn't hear that from me...

* * *

Okay! Lets get this started with explaining the main characters! I'll let them explain themselves. Ichigo, you first!

Ichigo: Fine.  
My character is the ass who really doesn't care much for others and only helps because he was promised to be left alone by that small ass girl Rukia. Only to be draged into a whole new world that even killing himself would just result into being annoyed by a bunch of dead people... Whoch already happens because I can see dead people... It's like The Sixth Sense, only more annoying and they don't try to kill you or anything... Except the crazy fuckers like those Hollow things that tried to kill my family and apparently eat my soul...

Rukia: You make everything sound like it's bad!  
As the main bitch of the story, I screw up Ichigo's life my stabbing him with my Zanpakutou and resulting in him being a greedy ass and taking all my power, making me a total Mary Sue because I can't fight for myself anymore so I have to rely on others to help me out and get Ichigo to do my dirty work!

Chad: ...  
I'm Chad.

... Is that all you're going to say?

Chad: ... I'm tall...

And apparently don't talk much either.

Chad: ... I like tomatos.

OKAY! Next! Please!

Orihime: I'll go!  
I'm the main, bubly girl who is a compleat ditz and really doesn't understand anything until pretty much it's to late and uses her boobs as an excuse for being stupid! Although I end up with maybe the most useful power out of everyone in this series, I'm still tp stupid to realize that I can turn back time with my crazy fearie things that live in my hair pins! I may be useless in a fight, but I'm good at getting myself kidnaped and crying lots! I also have a huge crush on Ichigo, but he's to much of an ass to really notice that I'm practically throwing myself at him.

Uryu: Orihime, you really are a ditz...  
I'm the emo of the whole thing. I blame the Murder of my kind on Shinigami because they killed my grandfather and pretty much everyone else but me and my father, who runs a hospital and thinks hes a badass because he can beat up his some when it comes to Quincy Abilities. I also have a huge crush on Orihime, but i have such a low self asteam that I can't bring myself to even get close to asking her out. I'm pretty useless in anything major besides sewing and being a total know-it-all. I hate life and Shinigami.

Chad: ...I'm mexican.

SOMEONE MAKE HIM STOP TALKING!

Renji: -Ties Chad up and tapes his mouth shut- Never thought I'd have to do that to such a big guy!  
Names, Renji, but of course you know me. I'm Leuitenant of Squad 6 and my Captain thinks I'm useless. But he hates everyone. My hair is unaturally red and I was bored with some kind of skin disorder that makes me grow weird black marks all over my body like that Emo from Naruto that gets angry and hands grow out of his back from some bite that a pedophile gave him. I think I'm a bad ass and I have an obsestion with always having something on my forehead.

Chad: -muffles something-

I don't speak muffled...

Kakashi: I do!

What the fuck are you doing here? Wrong anime buddy...

Kakashi: Fine, I was only going to help...

WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT HE'S SAYING! GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I KILL YOU! I can do that. I'm writing this shit!

Kakashi: Fine! -leaves-

OKAY! Anyone else want to introduce themselves before I start killing people?

Byakuya: ...  
I am Captain of Squad 6 of the Gotei 13. My Leuitenant is useless and my sister is a disapoitment to the Kuchiki Clan. I have a supiriority Complex and think, KNOW, that I am hot. I love my hair and think Renji looks like a very red Pinapple.

Renji: I knew you hated me... After all we've been through tegether!

Ok, so before Renji ends up dead, lets call this Opening sequence to an end...

Hope you will enjoy reading this and have as much fun imagining what the hell is going on as I'm updating. I'm warning now that I am not a constant updater. My updates are sometimes slow. It may sometimes take up to a few months for me to update. I do have a life so therefore, I go to school or I hang out with friends. I travle more than I should but I will update as I need to.

Enjoy.

Chapter one will be up soon enough so don't crap yourself just yet!


	2. Ch 1 Substitute

Muhaahahahaha! Welcome my dears to Chapter One of this new Story I will be writing! Let us see what would happen if we make Bleach a little more interesting and more... Resourceful?

**I DO NOT OWN BLEACH OR THE HITCHHIKERS GUIDE TO THE GALAXY**

* * *

What a morning it was. The sky was clear and the birds were singing their little hearts out. Beautiful white clouds roamed above the heads of anybody passing by underneath, leaving from work, from school, or the liquor store in some cases. Hey, some people like to drink during the day to, you know! Some people stop to look out over the river running threw their wonderfully peacful town called Karakura. Such a nice little town found in Japan. You will see such happy indeviduals walking the streets during the day and nobody is scared to walk at night with such an amazing Police force at hand... Who am I kidding? This place is hell on earth! Fights happen daily and liquor stores are robbed every ten minutes... By teenagers! The only time something good happens is when the police catch the right guy for the first time in three years (record is five years, but who's counting?) Crazy kids walk the streets at night. the most normal ones play soccer and that's only because they havn't figured out the true life they would be living if they had parent who let them out at night. Good parents... Good parents...

Th school, the high school, was full of such knowledgable students, some not as bright as others so they cheat, but who cares as long as they pass right? There is always the one student who is crazy and people don't like, and his name... is Keigo. Brown hair, extreamly perverted, boob obsest, and able to spot a virgin three-hundred yards away. He has a 'spidy' sense. At least that's what he calls it. His friend and maybe his only true friend, is Muzurio. A short, blue-ish haired colord guy who is always on his phone and the ladys love this guy. He cooks, and he doesn't try to get in their pants (as far as I know) for no reason. At least he takes them out to eat first. And then their was one... One who stand out amonge the rest of the school. One male who is so different in one way that it's hilarious to watch people stare at him... But that isn't nice to stare... So let's stare at him while he walks down the halls. His name is Ichigo Kurosaki. Hair color is orange. ORANGE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! How offten do you find someone with that color of hair? Never! That is one reason why I love anime, such awesome hair that defys gravity (Mister Cloud Striff from Final Fatasy VII, you know I'm talking about you.)

Let us follow mister Kurosai as he makes his way home, back to family owned clinic his weird ass father owns and operates whie he is at achool and his sisters nurse at even though they are both to young to know what the hell a sureng is. But, it's an anime. There could be flying cows and talking goats for all I care! Lets keep following Ichigo- Look! Our wild Ichigo has stopped and he's... What the hell? Why does it have flowers in his hands? What a pud! Dude, get a life, girls are afraid of you! Why don't you just eat the damn things?

"Hey shut the hell up, damn narrator! You'r getting on my nerves for crying out loud! We get it, I stick out like a fucking sore thumb. Big whoop!"

Seems like someone is having a grumpy episode. Dude, you need some exlax! Anyways, Ichigo is walking... And he's walking... and still walking... Ok you are boring... LETS FAST FORWRAD!

DRAMATIC FAST FORWARD NOISE!

STOP!

Ok, we are here!

"Wha the hell was that for? You need a life dude."

Excuse me, but who is the one telling this here story about how your life is all kinds of screwed up? Me! Thought so. If i want to fast forwards, we fast forwards until I say stop. Got it? Thought so. And I'm a girl, not a dude!

"Whatever."

Pissy much?

Ichigo stood infrount of a telephone pole and what looks to be a girl stood there. She must be his bitch cause she was wearing a chain on her chest. Ichigo, how dare you! She's like twelve! Gosh, such a man you are... That was sarcasm if you didn't tell. So, Ichigo lays the flowers down by the pole that just so happens to be on the corner of an active skatebording street and four guys come along and run them over. This action pisses Ichigo off extreamly.

"Hey, appologize."

One of the guys looked at him and laughed like it was a joke. This was a bad choice on his part since Ichigo is already pissed because of me and the flowers being run over. A fist came flying at the guy who went falling to the ground and his head bouncing like a ball off the ground.

"I said appologize."

"To what? Your stupid flowers? Ha! Its not like they have feelings." said a shorter guy who was with the one who looked unconcious on the ground.

It looks like these guys just don't get it very ast since Ichigo threw yet another fist and the short guy.

"Wrong answer."

Ichigo continued to beat the living shit out of the four guys until they screamed uncle. I wish you could see the looks on their faces! It was just pricless watching them cry in pain of being kick and punched while they were down. Oh it was just enjoyable! But I'm also French... Not really... Schadenfreude... Hehe... Anyways, they screamed sorry and ran off with their broke skatebords liek a bunch of crying babys. Turns out that girl is a ghost and thet couldnt see her. Ichigo, you really are a freak.

"Just shut up. Doy ou ever shut up? I would love it if you would just shut up for a whole minute!"

... Ok minute over! Plus, if I wasn't talking, your story would go unheard!

Ichicho started to walk home once more... Lots of walking and when he got home, the most amazing thing happened.

"WELCOME HOME ICHIGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~!"

Feet came flying at Ichigo when he walked in the door. The crazed man who they belonged to was his dad, Ishin Kurosaki. This guy was nuts. I'm talking he needs mental help. The man keeps a poster of his dead wife up in the living room and he goes and cries on it every time he looks at it. I think he made out with it at one point... Not going there though.

The youngest of the group, Yuzu, sat smiling at the two wrestling at the entrence of their lovely home.

"Otou-san, please let Ichi-nii eat first!"

"Not hungry." Ichigo said after kicking his father off of him.

"Good, more for me." said the scary looking other girl, Karin, holding out her empty bowl. "And Ichi-nii, you have a shadow."

Right of que, a blue, luminesent ghost appeared right beside Ichigo, smiling like the nerd it looked like. Yuzu sighed and gave Karin more rice.

"You two are lucky, to see ghosts I mean. I can only sense them, well kind of."

"I'm in permenant denial. Seeing doesn't make me believe." Karin said eating the rice she was given.

That poor, sad looking dork of a ghost floated on by, looking like he was going to cry.

"I'll be in my room." Ichigo grabed his school bag and left for the stairs and for his lonely, sad, depressing room.

"Don't forget to clean up after you're do-OWCH!" Ishin tried to say, but was stoped by the foot of Karin.

"You make me sound like I hate everything."

But you do!

"I'll kill you!"

"Ichi-nii, who are you talking to?"

Sorry Ichigo, they can't hear me. I'm just a figment of your sad imagination so get used to it.

Off he went to his room, sulking about how he's the only one who has to put up with my annoying naration of his pathetic life.

FAST FORWARD TO TOMORROW AT SCHOOL!

Woah, that made me dizzy.

High school! Those were (are) the days. The good, the bad, the really hot guys, and the really stuck up bitches you just want to punch in the face. Oh, this isn't about me though. Truely, Ichigo's pretend friends are only Keigo and Mizurio. And speaking of-

"IIIIIIIICHIIIIIGOOOOOOOO~!"

_CRASH_

_"_Hey, Keigo."

That poor, extreamly hormonal teenager flew right into Ichigo's still developing biceps. He's just a scrawny little boy he is! Just a Sophmore and his life still sucks because he is so underdeveloped in muscle tone! He wants to yell at me but that would make him look like a moron. You should see the look he's giving me! It is so hilarious a- What are you doing? You can't do that! No, put that locker down! I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY!

Ahem, okay, so after I get back from the hospital, we'll continue this story... Ow...

_**About four weeks later, after a concusion from the locker...**_

Good news, I'm not dead from the locker attack from Ichigo. Bad news, I think I missed something I'mportant in Ichigo's story. Wait, no I didn't! Ok, so after Ichigo is attacked by his dad, then Keigo the next day, it's rather normal for a while. While walking home from school, he decided to take a detour since there had been explosions around the city and he assumed it was the local gangs trying to start another fight with the police again. One was guessed to be a gas line explosion, another was something about a meteor... And Ichigo whitnessed the third one. And it was no gas line or gangs causing the explosions.

That girl Ichigo had brought flower for ran screamim in his direction. She was so frantic that she fell and was to scared to get back up. then, the explosion happened. Out of the dust and ruble came a creature, as tall as a six story building, bigger than an elephant, more grotesque than the Grudge, and wearing a horrible holloween mask. It was unimaginable on what this thing was. Just a gigantic thing screaming or howling, whatever it was doing, and charging after the girls spirit.

"Hurry and get up! Let's get out of here!"

The girl got up shaking harshly and tried to keep up with Ichigo. Then, out of the corner of his eye, he saw her. A girl dressed in what looked like robes, black robes in fact, her hair the color of a Raven bird, eyes a dark purple maybe, I don't really know, it was weird.

And she was heading straight for that creature.

"Hey, wait! What are you doing? Fine your damn funeral!"

And off he ran with the girl at his side.

It was getting late and Ichigo really needed to get home. The girl's sprit had settled down and was ok to leave at a moments notice. Ichigo had made it home, late, and his dad, Ishine was not around. Karin said he would be working late at the clinic again. Third time this week. With nothing to do and not hungry again, Ichigo went up to his room to sulk even more about the days events.

With the lights off and only the sight of the moon in his wake, Ichigo finally realized that his life really was depressing.

"Ok, no. Next time I get the chance to hit you, It's gonna be with a metal bat. To the head."

Stop talking to yourself, makes you look like a motard.

Que random butterfly coming in from outside the window that was closed!

Ichigo looked at the black butterfly with curiosity and sat up in his bed slowly. Even faster when he saw a girl walk through his wall just seconds after the butterfly.

"It's close..." she said to herself.

"What the hell are you doing in my room?"

The girl did not respond, but she did put her hand on the katana at her hip.

"Wh-what the hell are you doing in my room?"

Without any movements from the girl, Ichgo shot up and kicked her ass, litterally speaking. He turned on his lamp and started to scream at hthe girl.

"What the hell are you doing? First thing, if your going to break into someones house, try to be normal about it and don't talk to yourself! Kapiche?"

The girl turned and looked at him confused.

"You can see me? You even hit me."

She grabed his face and examined him closely.

"Well, you are not malfunctioning-"

"Stop touching me. Who the hell are you."

"Me, I'm a Shinigami..."

DRAMATIC MUSIC!

After thirty minutes of explaining everything to Ichigo in small words and picutres...

"So, you're telling me that you are a Shinigami from this place called the Sereite."

She noded.

"And that thing from earlier that was attacking that little girls soul was called a Hollow, who come from this place called Hueco Mundo?"

She nodded again.

"Right, I believe all of that... AS MUCH AS I BELIEVE IN THE TOOTH FAERIE AND SANTA CLAUS!"

"Wha- you said you could see sprits? Well, you an see me can't you?"

"That doesn't say anything. I can see people and animals and other things. I don't see just Spirits! So why would I want to believe what a little girl tells me." Ichigo said, putting his hage hamnd on her heard. His hand was only huge compared to her tiny head anyways.

There was the button.

The tiny girl touched Ichigo with only two fingers and said one word and Ichigo was down like a pathetic baby!

"KAI!"

And down goes Ichigo.

"Wha- I can't move! What did you do to me? Are you secretly Luke Skywalker from Star Wars and you plan on ruling the world?"

"Who? No. Sit still While I keep explaining all of this to you in a more simple matter."

And she pulls out the note pad of knowledge. And a sharpie.

She drew a few amazing pictures, dipicting what everything was in the Sereite and Huco Mundo. Even drawing a cute little bunny! I don't think Ichigo liked it though.

"The Sereite is where the good spirits go. Hueco Mundo is where the tainted Spirits go. It's not hell, but close to it. When you do however kill a Hollow, depending on whether there transformation was willing or forced, they will go to hell after being destroied, or purified and able to rest in peace."

"You know, your drawings suck."

The girl gets black sharpie and draws a mustach on Ichigo's face.

"I think I am the teacher here."

Ichigo, after freaking out about the sharpie-stache, started too freak out about the sound of the howling of that creature again.

"Hey, you, Shinigami girl, if it's your jon to take care of those Hollow things, then why aren't you taking care of that one!"

"What Hollow?"

Then she felt it's pressence.

"Why didn't I sense it sooner? Something was hiding it's reitsu."

A lound crash came from down stairs and only a few moments later, Yuzu, the youngest of Ichigo's two siblings, crawled through the door.

"Ichigo.. Help... Karin."

"Yuzu!"

The Shinigami ran out the door, leaving Ichigo stuck like a pig on the ground.

"Don't leave me here"

It took him a few moment, but Ichigo, managed to force himself to stand up and stagger to the door. After he fell down the stairs, he saw that the creature was holding his other sister Karin. She was screaming for Ichigo to save her. That Hollow tightened it's grip on her and she eventually passed out. The Shinigami noticed that Ichigo was beside her and was struck with aw.

"How are you able to move? No human would have survived being able to move under Kai."

Ichigo started to fight Kai. The shinigami could see the seal starting to weakin the more Ichigo started to fight. It was like the moment Darth Vader revealed to Luke that he was his father. The only thing Missing was someone screaming 'NO' then falling of something way up high in a high-tech world of lightsabers and blasters. Oh the intensity! The Kido was finally so weak that it failed to hold Ichigo any longer. Kai broke and Ichigo was free of his imprisonment. He grabed the nearest bar stool and charged the creature.

"Dumbass! A bar stool won't even leave a bruise! Damn it, stupid human!"

The shinigami ran after Ichigo, right after he threw the stool at the creature. It laughed at him. It LAUGHED.

"There you are. I can smell your soul. It's making my mouth water."

The creature dropped Karin and Ichigo barly had enough time to catch her before the Hollow tried to land a hit on him. The female Shinigami, however, jumped in the way, she hjerself along with the Hollow, being harmed. The Hollow vanished into a black spot that appeared and vanished. The Shinigami crawled over to the side of his home and sat almost limp.

"You want to save your family. You want to defeat the Hollow. Then pierce my blade into the very depths of your soul. I can tranfor some of my powers to you."

"Woah, wait one second. You want me to let you stabe me so that I can save my family and kill that creature because yo are going to give me some of your powers?"

"That's the plan, ya."

"Ok. But if you kill me because of this, I'll haunt your ass, Shinigami."

"My name is Rukia."

"And my name is Ichigo Kurosaki."

And through Ichigo the blade went. A mass of power filled him and he soon found himself enveloped in a whole new world. A world that would change his life forever. Rukia was amazed at how stronge he truly was. Ichigo had taken nearly all of her power, leaving her with nothing but a white Kimono on.

"I only ment to give him half of my power, and he took almost all of it. Who is this man?"

Que fighting music! AKA, Ichigo's Theme Song! Ya, he's a bad ass. He has a theme song.

The Hollow howled and charged at Ichigo and with lightning speed, Ichigo had chopped off one of its arms. Soon, after it charged once more, a leg fell to the ground. Just moment later, the creature would be cut in half and dissolve into nothing.

The next morning...

"Woah! I can't believe that a truck hit our house last night and didn't even hurt us! This is a mirical! Not even woke us up!" Ishin said frantically hugging his girls.

Ichogo stood out behind them recalling last night events...

Flashback!

"What are you doing to them, they will forget everything that happend tonight and their memories will be replaced with something else. I can't say what, it will be a random memory."

"Oh, ok..."

"And you will need this."

Rukia gave him a little watch thing that imidiatly clamped itself onto his wrist.

"What the hell is this thing! Get it off!"

"No can do, it's your Substitute Shinigami Guide. It will help you out when I can't. It has all the information about everything there is to know. Use it wisely."

"... Does it have porn?"

"What? NO! You are such a pig!"

And Rukia left...

Das End!

* * *

Thank you my dear reades for reading this first actually Chapter of this new story I am writing! Ok, so it isn't really new, but I'm adding my own tweaks to it. Make it more funny. Again, I do not own Bleach, nor the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. But Ido own the book in real life. Like I bought it at the store own, not like I wrote it own.

Review and tell me what you think. Subscribe so you can knew when I update or add new stories!

Do it because Toushiro said to!

Toushiro- Do it... Why am I here? I don't come in for like thirty chapters?

Get over it.


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